- DIRECTED BY: Andrew Stanton
- STARRING: Taylor Kitsch, Lynn Collins, Samantha Morton, Willem Dafoe, Thomas Haden Church, Mark Strong
- RATED: PG-13
- OPINION STARS: 2 out of 5
- THIS FILM IS: Blase, Mediocre, Unexciting
DESCRIPTION: One minute, grizzled Civil War veteran John Carter (Kitsch) is hiding from Apaches in a deserted cave. The next, he’s waking up on Mars, a once-Earthlike planet now deteriorating into chaos – and fighting a civil war of its own.
- VIOLENCE & GORE: 7/10
- FRIGHTENING CONTENT: 5/10
- FOUL LANGUAGE: 3/10
- MATURE THEMES: 5/10
- SEXUALITY & NUDITY: 4/10
NOTE: Based on the series by Edgar Rice Burroughs. I’d love to tell you that this movie is not as bad as everyone’s making it out to be – but I would be lying if I did. John Carter is a massive disappointment. It looks gorgeous, and I usually love Andrew Stanton’s work: but it’s frustrating to see a tale with so much potential go to waste in a film like this. The story is jarringly uneven; the acting ranges from decent (Kitsch) to abysmal (Collins); the script is mediocre; heck, even the action sequences are bland and uninvolving. Worst of all are the characters: thinly-written, unmemorable, pathetic. What does it say that the most interesting character in the entire movie was a butt-ugly Martian puppy dog?
- NOT RECOMMENDED
“Mars. So you name it and think that you know it. The red planet, no air, no life. But you do not know Mars, for its true name is Barsoom. And it is not airless, nor is it dead… but it is dying.”